One of the guiding philosophies in my life goes like this: Don’t change something unless that change is for the better. Moving forward in the wrong direction is not progress.
Reading the classic novel The Boys from Brazil*, by the late Ira Levin, brought this principle to the forefront of my mind recently. I came across the word mike, which is how publishers back in the day chose to render the abbreviated form of microphone. Read a book or magazine of any vintage, and if it contains that word, I assure you that is how it will be spelled.
During my lifetime, however, I have noticed a change. More and more – even in the pages of the venerable Esquire – I have seen it printed as mic. The reason for this is simple: on audio and visual equipment, the microphone jack is labelled with that abbreviation. To mark it thusly is every manufacturer’s perfect right, of course, but I can’t stand it in books and magazines. When it is spelled that way, my mind always wants to pronounce it ‘mick’. Those wise old editors decided to render it phonetically to avoid any such issues. And I will argue to my dying breath that they were right.
There are other literary conventions that are beginning to erode under the constant wash of unread and inexperienced editors. One in particular infuriates me, and covers those little elements of speech that might be listed under ‘hemming and hawing’. Words such as er, um, uh, and ahh.
There have always been very specific meanings attached to each one.
Er: This implies a reluctance to say something, usually due to awkwardness. Take this example from one of the masters of naturalistic speech, John O’Grady:
“Can you say you’ve never broken any laws?”
“Er—well, no.”
Uh: This is similar to er, but suggests a pause in speech and usually implies something such as sarcasm or facetiousness. Here is one from Stephen King’s introduction to Blaze, following an earlier admission that he tends to lose manuscripts:
She would not trust me with the original manuscript (I, uh, lose things) but she made a Xerox.
Uhh: That extra ‘h’ makes quite a bit of difference. Uhh can imply discomfort in answering a question (here’s Beavis from Beavis and Butt-Head fame attempting to reply to his Spanish teacher):
“Uhh… burritos?”
It can also suggest the speaker is doubtful about a statement that has been made but is hesitant to disclaim it immediately:
“The sun revolves around the earth, you know.”
“Uhh… are you sure?”
Ah: This implies comprehension or an indication that a character has noticed something. For example:
“Ah, I get it.”
“Ah, the chaise has arrived.”
Too often these days ah is incorrectly used in place of uh. You see it everywhere in small press and indie publications and it looks ridiculous.
Ahh: This one implies satisfaction with something.
Bill sipped his beer. “Ahh, good drop, that.”
These conventions were developed for the same reason that road rules were developed – the alternative is chaos. So don’t be part of the problem. Learn the rules and stick to them.
* The edition I bought has an introduction by Chelsea Cain who is a bestselling novelist and columnist. I was appalled to find that she had written “could care less” when she meant “couldn’t care less” (and whoever edited her introduction didn’t pick it up, either). What is the literary world coming to if an alleged novelist can’t get this simple thing right?